The Approval Trap
You know that person who seems genuinely unbothered by what others think? Who makes decisions based on their own values without constantly checking for validation?
You want to be that person. But every time you try, the anxiety kicks in. What if they judge you? What if you're wrong? What if they talk about you behind your back?
Here's the uncomfortable truth: caring about what others think is natural. We're social creatures. Approval from the tribe meant survival. Rejection meant death.
But in modern life, this instinct has gone haywire. You're not going to die if someone judges your career choice or disapproves of your lifestyle. Yet your nervous system doesn't know that.
The ancient Stoics lived in a society even more obsessed with reputation than ours—honor and status were literally life or death in Rome. Yet they developed a framework for mental freedom that still works.
Why You Care (And Why It's Mostly Irrational)
Marcus Aurelius, emperor of Rome, had every reason to obsess over what others thought. His reputation affected politics, alliances, even survival. Yet he wrote:
"It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own."
Think about that. You trust your own judgment about what food to eat, what clothes to wear, what route to drive. But when it comes to major life decisions—career, relationships, values—you suddenly need external validation.
This is backwards. And we know it. Yet we keep doing it.
The Stoics identified several reasons:
We confuse reputation with character. Reputation is what others think of you. Character is who you actually are. They're often completely different—and only one is in your control.
We imagine audiences that don't exist. Most people are too busy worrying about their own lives to spend much time judging yours. The critic in your head is usually you, wearing other people's faces.
We give away our power. Every time you change behavior to manage someone's opinion, you've handed them control over your life. They probably don't even know they have it.
The Stoic Framework: What's Actually In Your Control?
The core Stoic insight is simple: some things are up to you, and some things aren't. Your opinions, your effort, your character—these are yours. Other people's opinions? Not yours. Never were.
Epictetus put it starkly:
"If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer, 'He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone.'"
This isn't about not caring about anything. It's about caring about the right things:
Care about: Your values, your actions, your integrity, your growth, your relationships with people who actually matter.
Release: Random people's opinions, social media reactions, what the neighbor might think, imagined judgment from people you'll never see again.
Practical Steps to Actually Stop Caring
1. Identify whose opinion actually matters
Not everyone's opinion is equal. Make a short list—maybe five people—whose judgment you genuinely respect and who genuinely care about your wellbeing.
For everyone else, their opinion is data, not verdict. You can consider it, but you don't need to be controlled by it.
2. Notice the physical response
Anxiety about judgment lives in the body before it reaches the mind. Tight chest. Shallow breathing. Tension in the shoulders.
When you notice these sensations, pause. Name what's happening: "I'm worried about what they think." Just that recognition creates distance.
3. Ask the Stoic questions
When you catch yourself caring too much:
- "Is their opinion in my control?" (No)
- "Do I respect this person's judgment?" (Often no)
- "Will this matter in a year? Five years?" (Usually no)
- "Am I compromising my values to manage their perception?" (This is the important one)
4. Practice small acts of non-conformity
You don't have to make dramatic stands. Start small. Wear something slightly outside your comfort zone. State an unpopular opinion in a conversation. Order what you actually want, not what seems "normal."
These tiny acts build the muscle of not seeking approval. They prove that disapproval isn't actually dangerous.
5. Separate feedback from judgment
Not all opinions are worthless. Feedback from trusted sources helps you grow. The key is distinguishing:
- Feedback: Specific, from someone who knows you, intended to help
- Judgment: General, from someone who doesn't know you, intended to categorize
Feedback is worth considering. Judgment you can release.
The Harder Part: People Who Actually Matter
Stoic philosophy isn't about becoming a robot. It's about allocating emotional energy wisely.
For the people on your short list—close family, true friends, respected mentors—their opinions carry weight because the relationship carries weight.
But even here, boundaries matter:
You can care what they think without being controlled by it. Their input informs your decisions; it doesn't dictate them.
Love them without needing their approval. You can have a close relationship with someone who occasionally disapproves of your choices. Disagreement isn't rejection.
Remember they're human too. Even wise people have blind spots, biases, and bad days. Their opinion is valuable, not infallible.
The Fear Beneath the Fear
Often, caring about what others think is a proxy for deeper fears:
- Fear of rejection → "If they judge me, they'll leave me"
- Fear of failure → "If they disapprove, I must be doing something wrong"
- Fear of unworthiness → "Their opinion proves I'm not good enough"
The opinions themselves aren't the problem. The beliefs beneath them are.
The Stoics would say: examine those beliefs. Are they true? Does someone's disapproval actually prove you're unworthy? Does rejection actually mean you've failed?
Usually, no. But the beliefs feel true because they're old and familiar.
What About Being a Good Person?
Here's a valid concern: "If I stop caring what others think, won't I become selfish or inconsiderate?"
The answer is that there's a difference between:
- Caring about others (compassion, kindness, responsibility)
- Caring about others' opinions of you (approval-seeking, people-pleasing)
You can be deeply considerate without needing validation. You can be generous without requiring recognition. You can be kind without managing perception.
In fact, the less you need approval, the more genuinely you can give. Your kindness becomes about them, not about how it makes you look.
The Long Game
Changing your relationship with others' opinions takes time. You've been practicing approval-seeking your whole life.
But it compounds. Every time you make a decision based on your values rather than external validation, the pattern loosens. Every time you survive disapproval without crumbling, you prove to yourself that it's survivable.
Marcus Aurelius wrote his Meditations in his fifties, after decades of practicing these principles. He was still reminding himself:
"How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks, but only at what he himself is doing."
Even emperors have to keep practicing.
Starting Today
You won't stop caring overnight. But you can start.
Today, notice when the approval-seeking kicks in. Notice the anxiety. Notice the mental calculation of how others will perceive you.
Then ask: "What would I do if I wasn't worried about their opinion?"
You don't have to do that thing. But know what it is. Notice the gap between what you want and what you're performing.
That gap is where your freedom lives. Closing it is the work of a lifetime—but it starts with seeing it.